Crack
by Dallirious
Summary: A familiar song causes CJ to think, and as usual one thought leads to too many.


**Title:** Crack  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own. Characters et al belong to Aaro Sorkin.  
**Characters:** CJ Cregg, Toby Ziegler  
**Rating:** PG… references to bad things  
**Summary:** A familiar song causes CJ to think, and as usual one thought leads to too many.

**Author's Notes:** Mention of episode 4x8 _Process Stories_… doesn't have to be seen to be read though.

* * *

I remember my brother loved this song when we were growing up in Dayton. It was the first record he ever got, and he played it till the damn thing broke. Christmas, one year, he got a guitar. Two weeks he spent working out the notes, then he played it for me. The whole song, note for note. "_Here Claudia Jean, I'll teach you too_." The first song I could ever play was this one, and at the age of five I was entranced by it just like everyone else. From the moment I first heard "House of the Rising Sun" it reeled me in and held me close.

No one really knows the origin of the song. It's not The Animals, and it's not Bob Dylan. By the time I was ten, like my brother, I'd become obsessed with it. I searched everywhere to find out about it. At some point, I remember, I asked my mother and she told me it was about a crack house. But everywhere I looked I saw the same word over and over again. Burlesque. That's the more popular thought about this song. It's a song about a whore house. I think the idea of it being a crack house worked better. But it all depended on who sang it and how they sang it. It interested me to the point that I really searched for the origins of the music. I really wanted to know.

Unfortunately before I discovered those roots my father gave me my first record. Miles Davis. I forgot about the mystery of that one song, and fell into the love and betrayal of the jazz genre.

Now a good thirty, or so, years later there's a bunch of people in my office singing that same old song. And it's got me thinking about it again. If my office has truly become the House of the Rising Sun, I'm either a whore or a crack-head. I wouldn't consider myself a whore, I sincerely doubt anyone I know would either. I can't even remember the last time I had sex. So I must be a crack-head.

But that makes me wonder what my crack would be. What I'm solely addicted to that's bad for me in every way. Goldfish maybe, surely the amount I eat can't be good for me. And I have an actual goldfish too.

No, it's not goldfish.

It's Toby, Toby Ziegler. The White House Communications Director, Toby Ziegler. My Tobus. It has to be.

My best friend for, god knows how long. He's hard to handle and can be bad for you in so many ways but addictive, oh so addictive. After all, Andy came back. She tried to quit but couldn't. No matter how 'sad' he is, there's something about Toby Ziegler that draws you in. Women, specifically, are drawn to him.

Andy married him, divorced him and returned to have his children. Ginger enjoys messing with him, always looking up to him. Mrs Landingham enjoys matching wits with him, and winning - because ultimately Toby will do anything for a cookie. Bonnie deals with him - she takes his crap and waves it off which is the right attitude to have around him really. The First Lady, Abbey, - admires him as a writer and may be one of the only women in the world that truly scares him. Even Tabitha Fortis, the Poet Laureate, cannot deny a teenage-like crush.

Then there's me.

I've known him the longest. When his mother died, I was there. When his wife left him, I was there. And when I needed someone to help me understand my father's illness, he was there. When I needed a job… and a towel, he was there.

I love him.

I can't get enough of him.

And… as much as I try, I will never truly have him.

'_So mothers tell your children, not to do what I have done_' …because falling in love with Toby Ziegler is a one-sided affair. You love him and no matter how much he does for you, you always want more. But you can only have the same amount each time because, like crack, too much could kill you. And for me…

…in more ways than one.


End file.
